


Risky Business

by crystalkei



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-23 06:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2537690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalkei/pseuds/crystalkei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cracktastic sex talk fic. The kids all need a good talking to.</p><p>“So, if you start to see any strange marks or if there’s any pus, a change in discharge-</p><p>“Oh god, no,” Jasper interjected. </p><p>“I’ve seen a lot of pictures and this stuff can be brutal,” Clarke continued. “If you love someone, don’t give them Chlamydia. That’s not love. That’s not even mild friendship, okay? It’s just mean.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Risky Business

**Author's Note:**

> I am 800% aware that this is total crack!fic. But we're all pissed at Tumblr trying to change the post width, right? Here, laugh at something. And blame this on Stefanny. It's all her fault.

“Everybody listen up,” Clarke stood at the front of the group, her voice carried loud enough that the kids all quieted down, those that didn’t got a sharp glare from Bellamy. “So, it’s come to my attention that…well,” she stumbled a bit. “Basically we all need a good sex talk, okay?”

  
If she didn’t have their attention before, she certainly did now, that was the point. But it took a little work to not laugh when she saw even Raven get wide-eyed. Bellamy moved from the back of the group to the front very quickly, but before he could interrupt her she launched into her practiced speech.

 

“We don’t have antibiotics down here, not really anyways, I should be saving those for the times you get impaled...” she paused for snickers and rolled her eyes. “Not like that. I should be using the few vials I’ve got left to treat things that could kill you, not just make you severely uncomfortable for months at a time.”  
  
  
By now Bellamy had reached her, grabbed her by the elbow and whispered in her ear. “This is not what you said this was about.”

 

She didn’t bother trying to whisper back, “If I had told you what this was about, I couldn’t get everyone here. You’d blow it off. But this is important.” Her tone was defiant and she kind of enjoyed watching him squirm. “Go back and make sure everyone is paying attention, please.” His lips tightened in a solid line before he stomped back to his spot. A couple of the guys chuckled at him but he stared them down enough that they turned uncomfortably back to Clarke.

 

“It’s not going to be that awful, guys,” she said throwing her arms out in a grand gesture. “It’s really simple, we don’t have birth control, I don’t know how the radiation and gravity is affecting menstrual cycles and-“

 

“Clarke, please!” Monty covered his face with his hands.  
  
  
“See, if we can’t talk about this, maybe none of you should be having sex,” Clarke said just like the mom she acted as for the group. “Has anyone here cared for a baby?” She paused and watched everyone shift and look anywhere but at her. “Exactly, it’s hard enough making sure we all survive, I don’t want anyone else to care for, okay?”

 

Raven choked and Clarke could tell it was just a way to cover her laughs. “Something to say, Raven?”

 

“Yeah, I’ve had the shot, didn’t you dumbasses get one?” Bellamy seemed to relax just a little next to her.  
  
“Yeah, Clarke, girls get the thing, the thing that stops that? See, it’s fine, no babies!” Bellamy mirrored her grand arm waving from before but Clarke just shook her head.

 

“Raven was a productive member of society that didn’t get thrown in lockup. So every other girl here is not ‘safe.’” She totally noticed Bellamy looking at every girl in the group. How many of them had he banged, anyways?  
  
“Point being, we need to talk about diseases first. I don’t know who is and isn’t a carrier for things like herpes, which by the way, you could have picked up anywhere and we have no way to treat it.”  Muttered complaints spread across the group and again, Monty was hiding behind his hands probably hoping to just disappear. This time Jasper was closing his eyes tightly like that would make Clarke stop. “You know what’s less fun than Grounders attacking? Genital warts.”

 

“Jesus Christ, you’re taking all the romance out of this, Clarke!” Bellamy yelled above all the chatter of kids grumbling and making other noises of disgust.  
  
“Syphilis isn’t romantic, Bellamy. It kills people. But first it makes you go crazy,” she said matter-of-factly.

 

“Please stop,” a random voice, maybe Miller, from the middle of the crowd shouted. A few other shouts of the same scattered around.  
  
“No,” Clarke walked towards Bellamy. “You’re making this harder than it should be.” Bellamy stood unwavering but she turned back to the group. “Sex is great, I get that, and you want to have it, fine. But until I figure out how to get some working protection, I’m gonna need you to be a little more careful about it.”  
  
The younger kids had been lost to giggles and the older ones mostly looked terrified. Clarke felt like she was reaching some of them so she turned back to Bellamy and said, “I’ll take the girls and we’ll talk about the rhythm method, can you please take the guys to talk about pulling out.”

 

“No!” he shouted petulantly. “No, I will not! You’re the medic, you do it!” The words would have had more impact if his voice hadn’t cracked a bit on the way down.    
  
“It’s fine if you don’t understand it that well. I can do it, I just didn’t think you wanted to listen to more stuff about menstrual cycles.”   Clarke smiled and Bellamy wanted to growl at her.

 

“I understand it,” he said slowly and sternly. “I just refuse to teach it to a bunch of jackasses.”  
  


Over the chorus of “hey!” Clarke responded, “Don’t we have enough kids to take care of, were you hoping for more? Because I’ve never delivered a baby and I’d rather not learn just yet.”  
  


“I hate you,” Bellamy muttered as Clarke smiled cheerily and pat his back. He shrugged her arm off.  
  
  
“So, if you start to see any strange marks or if there’s any pus, a change in discharge-  
  
  
“Oh god, no,” Jasper interjected.  
  
  
“I’ve seen a lot of pictures and this stuff can be brutal,” Clarke continued. “If you love someone, don’t give them Chlamydia. That’s not love. That’s not even mild   
friendship, okay? It’s just mean.”  Bellamy put his hand over her mouth.  
  
  
“Fine, hear that? Don’t be idiots. Don’t put your dick in strange place, girls, don’t I don’t know, just…guys follow me. I can’t listen to her anymore.” Clarke moved his hand and smiled widely.  
  
  
“So you’re going to cover pulling out?” she asked with that doe eyed look that she used for manipulating.  
  
  
“I’m gonna go kill a fucking boar too so you can make some condoms and I don’t have to listen to this shit,” he said shaking his head.  
  
  
“That’s a great idea!” Clarke beamed. “Good team work!”  
  
  
More groans as the guys followed him out and more of Raven trying to not laugh hysterically.  
  
  
“Now, has everyone been tracking their periods?” Clarke said as she turned back to the girls. She smiled a little at the shiver that went through Bellamy as he led the guys away. He was being such an immature baby.  


End file.
